My wife Rachel and I have been married for nearly three years. Before we were married we both knew we wanted to wait several years to have kids. Now three years in we’ve begun to discuss more frequently when we should start “trying.”
Growing up my view of having kids was shaped by being abandoned by my biologic father and having an often frustrating relationship with my step father. Both of these scenarios led me to want kids if only to prove I could do it better. This still holds true for me in many ways but now as I’m facing the reality of being father more thoughts and questions come to mind.
It isn’t even a question of whether or not I want kids; ultimately I do want kids. It’s more a question of why do I want kids and how will kids change me or change my marriage. Right now the answers don’t seem clear. I can certainly see the joy in having kids but I can also see the frustrations. Then there is simply the overwhelming fear I have of being a bad father. What if I make the same mistakes my biologic father made or what if I’m unable to establish a good relationship with my kids?
It’s really a daunting task having a life placed in your hands and until the doctor literal places that life in my hands for the first I don’t think I’ll be able to wrap my mind around it.